Desire is something between a need and a want. What we need keeps us alive. We can live without what we want. What we desire is more complicated than that.
Desire is something we can make real. Often it feels like it’s right there, almost within reach.
Desire must be owned. Owning our desires puts us in a position to choose whether to pursue our desire or not. If you ignore it, restlessness grows like a weed. If you desire something, examine your desire. If youre honest you may free yourself of your desire and the burden of actualizing it. If you’re reasonable, you may discover a way to get what you want.
Desire motivates us. That’s why desire must be dealt with, eventually, by all of us. The human race desires power/approval, security/adventure, intimacy/novelty and all the trappings. How we define these desires, where they fall on their respective spectrums and then how we go about actualizing them is where we create conflict or connection with those around us. And that is especially true when it comes to sexual desire.
Sexual desire comes in all shapes and sizes. Some desires are easily tamed, others require quite a bit of training to maximize benefit instead of just being a complete raging pain in the ass. Some desires are easily contained. They are private, amusing and managable. Some desires are deep, like BDSM and kink. Some desires are horizontal and don’t require in depth disclosure, like hiring a sex worker. Some desire is short lived because it’s easy to satisfy or it’s too fleeting and evaporates in the light of reality. Other desires stay with us our entire life and then they either become part of our routine or they become the dreams we only imagine but never live.
The one thing we all do desire is a release, an escape or a state of flow, either way a moment to let go of our usual self to connect with something more than ourselves, namely one another via pleasure. Pleasure is the essence of sexual desire that separates it from other types of desire. In the presence of sexual desire people are all seeking the same thing in their release and that thing is pleasure. For people like myself who practice BDSM pleasure is found not only in orgasm but through the intricacies of intimacy that flourish under a kinky light. BDSM is complex and that makes it compelling enough to be pleasurable in a multitude of ways.
Some of the things kinky people desire include the ethereal ecstasy of rope bondage. People who enjoy being tied up are often clothed and practice the craft because it creates a “floaty” feeling. “I feel like I’m flying when I’m inside the ropes,” is something I’ve heard many submissives say. Another thing kinky people enjoy is role play. They desire to create an alternate way of relating that fulfills their need for sexual and emotional satisfaction. One of my favorite BDSM activities is foot worship, when a submissive massages and kisses my feet. I prefer it over most other erotic activities because it relaxes me deeper than sex and when we finish I feel just as satisfied.
One last note on desire: it is instinctual. It can be triggered. This is especially true for sexual desire. Sex sells and it’s everywhere. BDSM is not about getting what you want, it’s about learning how to control your appetite. That’s why the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline. Because desire motivates us it can be a powerful tool for creating the life and circumstances that we want. Healthy desire is something that enables personal growth. When it comes to sexual desire, something healthy is going to be a lot more fun before, during and after the experience. Desire feels good and it’s easy to get carried away. BDSM has always known this and that’s why protocol that creates safe conditions, ritual that shapes and frames our time together and discipline that inspires and directs our desire are all fundamental elements of the practice.
